Monday, April 11, 2011

Monday Mayhem - Desperately Seeking Balance

Disclaimer, this is mostly a me post, and very little on the kids. Just be forwarned, personal purge coming on.

I can't believe the first quarter of 2011 is already over, and that April is whizzing by as well. As much as it really stinks to say it, 2011 has been a little rough for me, personally, so far. Don't get me wrong, things have more or less been wonderful so far this year--the kids are healthy and growing, our marraige is strong, I could sit here all day and list positives. But *I* personally have not felt balanced or centered, at least not for a prolonged period of time, in a very long while. Working very hard to rectify that this week.

I've been keeping up with the house better, and I've been working out a ton. Work, overall, has been much busier in the past year or so than we have been in a while. The thing that I can't stand is I often look back at our day and realize I haven't been in the moment enough with my kids. The whole purpose of riding this crazy ride called life is the moments we make along the way, and I often feel like I spend more time fretting and fussing at them then sitting back and ENJOYING them.

I also feel like I'm backsliding in my body image issues. I'm not at all happy with myself again these days, and I don't know why that is. I think I've become a little manic when it comes to working out, so I'm taking a step back--focusing on my diet more and cutting back to maybe 30 minutes a day 4ish times a week working out. My weight has been stagnant in the same 10ish pound range or so for a while, and its frustrating because I'm still freaking classified "obese" by BMI. Which is why I hate BMI. But whatever . . . I don't think this is my major issue, just feeds in.

I've also been working, very very hard to alleviate the horrendous headaches that have plagued me off and on since I was a kid. I think that they are brought on by a combo of hormones and diet issues. I, milk loving person that I am, have cut WAY back on dairy. It has helped, but its been challenging because ICE CREAM is made with dairy and hello, I LOVE ice cream. But in the long run: might help with those stupid pesky body issues.

Add in additional stress factor, which may actually end up being my saving grace: Trying to get Garrett into a good school for Kindergarten. So far, he is wait listed on 2 of the 4 schools we applied for. The other 2 won't do their lottery for a while, so its not like a resolution is anywhere close. Not knowing drives me crazy. If he doesn't get in to one of these 4 schools, we have 3 options: #1) Send him to the incredibly crappy school we're districted out for (not really an option. #2) Put him in private school. #3) Homeschool.

Brad and I have spent a lot of time discussing options 2 and 3. We have lived very, very frugally for the past few years and we can afford to put Garrett in private school. Our neighbors have their kids in a nearby school that is both affordable and good. It will slow our plans to get out from under the debt we accumulated in those "young and stupid" days. We've also discussed homeschooling. We could homeschool Garrett until he gets in to one of the schools we like, hire a sitter several days a week on a regular basis for both kids, and STILL pay less than we will for private school. At first the concept of adding another unexpected year of doing it all made me panic, but then my friend Allison pointed out "Its kindergarten, its not like you can screw it up." Hmm, hadn't really thought about it THAT way. And as much as I like to him and haw that I'm not cut out for homeschooling, I sort of just might be. I certainly can do it for a year or two until we can get into a good school, if need be. And as anti-homeschooling as my husband seems to be? His concern is that Garrett will get too far AHEAD if we keep him at home.

Which brings me to pointing out how much Allison NOT being right down the street for the past year has contributed to my lack of balance. Its weird, because we have a lot of wonderful friends here, but after almost a year of her being out of Florida, I still totally find myself pining for a cup of coffee in her kitchen on a regular basis. Very few people can completely grasp the insanity of our lives, or understand the crap in MY head, but for some reason, she always did and still does. I'm not a person who makes truly good friends easily, so yeah, miss the balance, miss my friend. And miss having family closer than a 4 hour plane ride, too, while we're at it. Spending a few days with my mother-in-law, her complete confidence in my kids and lack of any type of criticism was SO refreshing. It's insane some of the freak show stories so many friends have of families who like to put down their parenting or lifestyle. Its nice that our families have always been so supportive, and I miss having that support system.

Anyway, long story short is that the whole school issue has really made me realize I need to improve my balancing act. After nearly 5 years of juggling ALL the balls (wife, mother, caretaker, employee, cook, housekeeper, myself), I still basically suck at it. Thus my prolonged basket case status so far this year. So in a way, thinking about this school dilemma helps. I'm focusing this week on getting my act together and seeing if I can balance things a little better to regain my sanity, before I add another item to it. So if my online presence is less, know it is because I'm either trying to get it all done or enjoying the moment with my wonderful family. Because when it comes right down to it? We-Brad and I-have a wonderful, amazing life going here. And we really, really need to enjoy every single second of it. Going to focus on THAT this week, and I suspect the answers to everything else will come on their own.


The Fambros said...

Tears are streaming right now! Miss you like crazy! Ur the best

LauraC said...

I couldn't let you say this without saying something:

"After nearly 5 years of juggling ALL the balls (wife, mother, caretaker, employee, cook, housekeeper, myself), I still basically suck at it."

FOR REALS, you do not suck at it. I think all working moms feel this way. There is just TOO MUCH to do and not enough time to get it done. Something always has to give. We all go through periods of balance and imbalance, and then come out on the other side with a better plan.

And to keep it real, with Jon gone so much this year (he was in town FOUR days in February!) and maintaining two houses, things have slid at our house. We already have a housekeeper to clean the house so I just need to keep it picked up... which I make the kids do. The only reason I get to work out is because I do it on my lunch break for work. And... we have eaten out a LOT this year because of lack of time.

Don't beat yourself up too much!!

PS I also had to accept this year that I am 37 and I can't eat like I'm 18 anymore. Sucks but I'm quickly losing weight with that change. I get one day a week where I can eat fatty foods and that's it. BOO!!!!

Steph said...

Oh Angie, you so DO NOT suck at balancing it all. It's a lot to take on, and you do a great job with the kids and everything else. Give yourself a little grace. I do love the being in the moment with the children sentiment, it's something I have to work on as well, definitely.

I can relate to your missing your friend and being close to family. We are far away from family, and always wish we had more time with them. And, without my bestie here I can totally understand the feeling of being out of balance. Long distance hug to you from me. Hope you can work through this and find that better place for yourself soon.